Recently a lot has been said, read, heard, learnt. Most in which has made me think about what it is I am doing with my life. My hope is that anyone that ever reads my blog can find something to relate too. I have no intention of funnelling the garbage that flows from my mouth on to your devices.

I recently met someone that had a very interesting perspective on life. Well, I wouldn't say life exactly, but she said something very interesting to me about passion. That I can truly say has changed the way I look to the future and about life. She said :

"I realized that no matter what I do, I am going to dislike it at least a little bit. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. I will never have that magical feeling that I am waiting for."

I know I heard this like a couple of days ago so of course it is fresh in my mind and I am still thinking about it to this day. The point that I wanted to make is that nothing is ever perfect. I realized that throughout my life I have always had this romanticized ideal of what finding your passion would be like. That when you find what you are supposed to be doing, passion was going to hit you like a train. You would wake up, and all you would want to do is this thing, this beloved passion of yours. For me that is fashion...

Don't get me wrong that has changed for me TOOOOO MANY TIMES throughout my lifetime. Now I know that I belong in fashion, I am just not too sure what exactly what I should be doing. Though my heart right now is set on being a designer and creative director. I thought this was going to mean you would find me glued to my sewing machine, living in fabric stores and sleeping in the studio. But here I am, having just recently completed my first dress (seen above). Again, not to undermine what I have done, and to say this is the only thing I've ever made would be a lie. And to say I'm not always thinking about fashion would also be an exaggeration.

The thing is, is though perfection is overrated and we all know that life is hard and nothing is perfect. We can't help but strive for it, and this is a reminder to as they say

"Hope for the best, but expect the worst"

If you haven't already feel free to check out my latest Podcast episode where my friend Dana and I discuss this very topic and more! Linked below, or also on my ABOUT page.

Let me start this post off saying that I finally left my house today! Of course, I’m not going to lie to you and be like omg this is the first time I actually left my house… if you follow me on Instagram you would know that is simply not true. What I mean by this is today is the first time I took public transit this entire year! I don’t have a car, so it’s not like I was driving around either. This is a really big deal. Because I’ve been scared of the racism and the virus, especially being from the race that “started the virus”. Throughout the past couple of months (not that I exactly had to go anywhere), I felt that if I was going to go anywhere it sure as well wasn't going to be on the subway. But here I am (did I mention that I’m writing this on the subway).

Now you are probably wondering how this relates to fashion. The reason I hopped on this potential virus filled box, is because I’m headed to a nice lux restaurant for some dinner. The details of which I will not explain further as honestly… why do you care? Jkjk that’s why I’m on here to share my life. Not gonna tell you either way. To go to this restaurant we were instructed to dress nicely and well luxe.

So here I was on the bus and now the train thinking about how I am wayyyyy to overdressed to be taking the bus. In my opinion, I look like I should have a driver and personal shopper. But then again don’t we love a humble moment. I mean I think everyone should take public transit from time to time even if they don’t have too. Just to remind them of what it’s like to live an “average” life. Though I do not endorse living an “average” life, using titles just makes mansplaining a lot easier.

Anyways, so here I am thinking about who it is I look like and how odd it feels to look like I should at least be driving a car. If not have my own driver. Trying to justify it by saying "Just because I dress nice doesn’t mean I have money". If you know how to dress, is that not the very purpose of fast fashion? Something else I would also like to clarify, I do not support fast fashion. And if you see me wearing it or buying it, know I hate myself for it. My point is that I know I shouldn’t care what people think. I know I know, preach to the fucking choir we hear that from everyone and their left tit.

I tried making excuses being like maybe I am too out there or maybe I need to calm down, I am on the subway after all. Making promises that if I drove that maybe I would feel more comfortable because I would be doing it for me and not have to worry about eyes on me. But if anything, that goes against my own points. If I am doing it for me, then it shouldn’t matter who is watching me and how people feel about what I’m wearing. After all, the best thing to wear with any outfit is confidence. Let’s look at it this way, when you are at fashion week, you can have an amazing outfit, but there are tons of those walking around. What the photographers are looking for is confidence. People that of course dress really well, but don’t let the clothes wear them. That’s the job of models, to be moving hangers. Not your job, you should be wearing the clothes in all forms of meaning.

I want to give you a couple of personal reference points, anyone trying to make it in fashion. I’m sure you can relate to these points.

So I want to talk about two things you have probably seen all over my site, the reason being. Because I am so proud of those moments. First being my look at New York Fashion Week last year... you know when fashion week was still in person.

So this was the outfit I wore to the first-ever show I was actually invited too. There where we sat behind some actor, that I had no idea who he was. But apparently was super relevant. Besides the point... so this outfit, I know I know how simple is it. I believe its actually my granddad's suit. The look which is still very strong was to me super fashion-forward for me at the time. Of course, we grow and change and now I am kind of embarrassed to say that was my best. It is what it is and here we are. The whole point of the outfit was to be wearing a suit without a shirt underneath. Showing my body, not even buttoned up, as most people do when wearing a suit with no shirt. I was so uncomfortable, but I don't even know why I was anymore. I think I was scared, becuase it's new york. The place is known for people without filters. People will yell and say anything to anyone. The worst part is it affected my look in the face of the press. Not that I had very much press. Since we were honestly just in the wrong places at the wrong times. But I was so insecure for no reason. Wearing an outfit that I was so proud of in a very hidden way. I even put a shirt on after a while... That made me mad becuase I thought about my whole point of confidence is the best part of any outfit.

Finally, I want to talk about the ohhhhh so famous Eiffel Tower Ring from Balenciaga.

Though I personally have no problems with this ring. In the beginning, it was a bit odd, becuase I bought this ring to push myself out of my comfort zone. I will admit I am a materialistic person, but I make sure if I am going to spend money on something, that it is going to have significance in my life. After all, I am a minimalist. This ring was me not only manifesting a career with Balenciaga (Which... in recent lights has proven to be a struggle), my love for the brand, and materializing my desire to go to Paris (I swear the Eiffel tower has been calling to me). It was my commitment to being more fashion-forward and risky with my fashion choices.

Once I was headed back home from work, and this group of people were talking about me and my ring and laughing. I felt attacked but held dignity because I realized that this is who I am, and this is fashion. Seeing from what they were wearing their ideal of fashion was H and M...

My point being... fuck it up. If you don't know how to dress then please have some sort of self-awareness. But I sure as hell am not going to tell you how to dress unless you ask for it of course. But if your outfit is at least half-decent, make up for the other half in personality. I saw somewhere that said you can be wearing anything, but as long as you like your shoes. You will feel confident wearing it. So do that, maybe that's why shoes are my favourite part of my outfit!

See I read this article posted by PAPER magazine... WAIT WHAT OMG KENDRICK IS BACK ON THE KEYBOARD. Yes, yes I am finally back on the board, took some time off to think about life and what is happening in the world. As well as start my YouTube channel! Go check that out!

Ok back to that article. The article was an interview with one of Toronto's most recognized stylists Bobby Bowen. In it, it talked about the industry in Toronto, people and their name-calling and why people choose to leave Toronto.

That got me thinking... It's no secret that I am not about Toronto. It just isn't the place for me, this is so contradictory to the article that I am writing this very post about. I talk about wanting to leave, my last post was literally about how badly I want to move to New York and how I KNOW I belong there. The article talks about the idea of feeling trapped, which is something I've been feeling a lot. Not only in accordance with quarantine and literally being stuck in my home. Again, if you want to hear more about that go read my last post. But the point I am trying to make is that my personal life is just pulling me to New York, but there is so much to love about Toronto especially trying to be creative in this city.

Let me talk about the other points before I get into the juiciness and what really hit me in the chest. Bobby essentially starts out by talking about how people really undervalue the talent and drive it takes to be a stylist. A lot of people now and days are so easy to call themselves "stylist" because they work at like H&M or are proud of the way they dress. Myself included, though my experience ranges much further than most. I am still not worthy of such a title. He talks about how people are so quick to add slashes next to their name on Instagram to seem like a lot more then they are. Something you can see a lot with "bloggers" and "entrepreneurs" as well. This leads to his point of talking about social media and its influence.

See social media is both good and bad (a discussion I have no interest in entertaining). Essentially it adds value and devalues things and people all at the same time. He makes a good point in talking about how it is so easy to pay attention to what other people are doing. Being a stylist he talks about how for example he doesn't have a showroom and it isn't something to dwell over becuase you have to focus on you. What you have and what you are doing. I know this is pretty commonsense, but when I read it it really hit differently. It was almost like a slap in the face. Especially since during quarantine I have been very on and off with my social presence. To a point where people don't even know how to get in contact with me anymore... WHOOPS.

I've been trying to "take the power back from Instagram" which honestly was even hard to admit. How disgusting is it to think that an app has power over you?...

Anyways, back to my point. Bobby spoke about the fashion industry and how it has a certain vibe and "look". The way I took it having presented at Fashion Week. There is this unspoken vibe that Toronto gives off in its fashion industry, not necessarily good, but its there. What really hit different though is he talked about how in Toronto there is the presence of the "glass ceiling". If you don't know what the hell the "glass ceiling" is, clearly you have not hit it. It's the idea that you have done all you can do and you can see that there is more, you just can't seem to get your hands on it. All you can do is look. A "the grass is always greener" kind of vibe but one-sided.

Wow, I used a lot of quotation, damn he a poet... This really resonates with me, because if it wasn't for my love of New York, I definitely see myself aiming to follow in his footsteps. He talked about how most of the successful creatives that come out of Toronto don't really care to give it a shoutout. That being as Toronto isnt exactly a city that is fostering talent. Here you have to make a name for yourself. Which is amazing, but makes opportunities hard to come by. Then it has the people pressed up against the glass ceiling looking up at them wondering how they were able to get through. This was something that was really interesting, because again not only do I feel like I've hit the glass ceiling. LOLLLL not that I'm saying I'm successful... like at all. But I just feel as though there is no room to grow.

This all coming from someone that has made it in Toronto really means a lot, I guess its external validation to the way I'm sure a lot of creatives in Toronto feel. So I guess I wrote this to share how I think this can resonate with upcoming talent. I don't want to end this off on a bad note though. So if you are someone trying to build something in Toronto or want to collaborate HIT ME UP. Also, let me share some resources I personally am trying to get my hands on: (a magazine founded by Bobby) (a creative agency fostering artists)

Both things I want to take a part in and honestly would stay in Toronto for!

Also now that I'm back. Not that anyone interacts with my posts. But if you enjoy my more vulnerable posts (if you were expecting this to be more personal) please do let me know!